Black Money Returns

The maid didn’t turn up and I slept in. Lazily I stretched for my phone, there was one SMS from the bank. “Oh! How could I forget to clear the credit card bills yet again?” I began grumbling like an old man when suddenly I realized that I had cleared my credit card bills only last week. “An amount of Rs. 15, 00,000.00 has been credited to your account” read the SMS. With panic ruining my lazy waking up routine I thought “This has to be some mistake, I need to call the bank and notify them”. But before everything else I need a Coffee, maybe I am still asleep and dreaming.

I lazily dragged myself into the kitchen and made myself a cup of Coffee. What a dream “It would be so nice to have 15 lakh in my account” I thought smiling. It was not long before I realized that there was an eerie calm on the street outside. This is the rush hour, why isn’t there any traffic on the road? Maybe it is a public holiday. I am bad at remembering public holidays and they often come to me as a pleasant surprise.

The eerie calm did not last long. My phone rang. It was my friend Maria on the other end of the line. Not unusual for her to call this early in the morning to ask for a lift to the office but it is a public holiday today. Why would she call so early in the morning? “I am so happy I just received a SMS from my bank, 15 lakh Rupees have been credited to my account” she said. So that was not a dream after all. “This has to be some kind of a prank by those Nigerians” I told her at the risk of ruining her happiness. Dismissing my cynicism she burst into a joyous laughter and said “This is the money our dear leader had promised we would get once he becomes the Prime Minister. He has fulfilled his promise. This is the true manifestation of Achche Din”.

Still not convinced I began thinking if this was some elaborate prank being played by my friends. I did not want to spoil the fun so I played along. I told her how happy I was to receive the money. As soon as my conversation ended I rushed to my laptop and tried to log into my bank account. I couldn’t. Error 429: Too many requests.

Things started to add up. The maid did not turn up because she no longer needed the job, there is no traffic on the streets because people are either busy celebrating or simply trying to come to terms with the fact that they are suddenly richer by 15 lakh Rupees. The bank website is down because too many people are trying to log in to confirm if they have really received the money. Hallelujah! Dear leader came good on his promise. India will never be the same again.

In a few minutes excitement gave way to anxiety. Has out dear leader, like Robin Hood, distributed all the black money among the citizens? “Hope he has kept some money for addressing the issues arising out of India’s black money revolution” I began to think. Now everyone can afford a car. There will be massive traffic jams and massive increase in pollution levels. The road network needs an upgrade and quick. Increased pollution levels and relatively lazy lifestyle for citizens will increase health risks. Is India’s health system ready to cope? I wondered.

How will TwitterSphere deal with the astronomical increase in the number of aunties bellowing about the fact that maids are impossible to find and the fact that they have to do all the house work all by themselves without any support from their partners? Now that everyone can afford expensive schooling for their kids it will be very difficult to get admission in good schools. These schools were only available to the rich before dear leader made everyone rich. Banks are offering easy loans to buy houses that costed 25% less before dear leader flooded us with money.

There are going to be significant international ramifications. China will flood India with cheap exports to rob every rich Indian in the name of consumerism. There will be a massive increase in illegal migrants from Bangladesh. After all someone has do to serve the rich Indians, who else other than poor Bangladeshis? Pakistani Army and Nawaz Sharif will have to deal with the popular demand of merging Pakistan back with India so our dear leader can become their dear leader too. Every country in the world will offer Visa on arrival to Indians so they can boost their tourism trade by exploiting rich Indians.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. “Perhaps it’s the neighbour wanting to share his excitement about the windfall” I guessed. I opened the door, it was the maid, and then the phone rang, it was Maria she wanted a lift to the office. The world was sane again. Phew! What a dream.